How to tell if a child’s sexual behaviour is appropriate for their age

We can help you understand whether a child’s sexual behaviour is expected for their age, or if it could harm them or other people.

Children pass through different stages of development as they grow. Each child is an individual and will develop in their own way. But there is a generally accepted range of behaviours linked to a child’s age and stage of development.

If you are worried about a child’s sexual behaviour, offline or online, it is best to trust your gut and get advice. Speak to the non-judgemental experienced advisors on our confidential helpline. You don’t have to give your real name or details that identify you, and can stay anonymous.

Call 0808 1000 900 for advice, support and information. If you’re not ready to speak to someone yet, you can use our live chat or secure email or look at the links below.

If you’re a professional working with children, Brook has information that can help you.

The traffic light system

We’ve used a traffic light system to help you work out if a behaviour is  

  • expected (green) 
  • inappropriate or problematic (amber) 
  • harmful (red)

Green

These are natural and expected behaviours. This doesn’t mean that you would want these behaviours to continue, but they do provide an opportunity to talk, teach, and explain what’s appropriate.

Amber

These can be of concern and have the potential to be outside safe and healthy behaviours if they persist. They require a response from a protective adult, extra support and close monitoring.

Red

These are outside healthy and safe behaviours. These behaviours can signal a need for immediate protection and support from a childcare professional, for example, health visitor, GP or social worker.

This is where your child is attempting to gather information about themselves and the world. Whilst most sexual behaviour displayed by pre-school children is age-expected, some behaviours between children can be cause for concern.

Green category behaviour in children under 5

  • Attempting to touch or curiosity about other children’s genitals
  • Attempting to touch or curiosity about breasts, bottoms or genitals of adults
  • Role play games e.g. mummies and daddies, doctors and nurses
  • Interest in body parts and what they do
  • Touches/ rubs own genitals when nappy is being changed, when going to sleep, when tense, excited or afraid
  • Explores differences between males and females, boys and girls
  • Asks about the genitals, breasts, babies
  • Has erections
  • Likes to be naked
  • Interested in watching people doing bathroom functions
  • Interested in having / bathing a baby
  • Puts something in the genitals or rectum for curiosity or exploration

Amber category behaviour in children under 5

  • Continues to touch/rub genitals in public after being told many times not to do so
  • Continuous questions about genital differences after all questions have been answered
  • Touches the genitals, breasts of adults not in the family and asks to be touched
  • Interest in watching bathroom functions does not wane
  • Puts something in genitals or rectum of self or other frequently or after being told ‘no’
  • Rubbing up against other children with clothes off or on
  • Pulling other children’s pants down / skirts up / trousers down against their will

Red category behaviour in children under 5

  • Touches/rubs self in public or in private to the exclusion of normal childhood activities
  • Plays male or female roles in an angry, sad or aggressive manner
  • Expresses fear and/or disgust of own or opposite gender
  • Sneakily touches adults’ private parts
  • Uses coercion or force in role play games with other children
  • Persists in putting something in own or another child’s genitals or rectum, even if painful
  • Simulated or real intercourse without clothes or engages in oral sex
  • Doing any of the above in secret

Responding to sexual behaviour in children under 5

Below we have provided some examples of scenarios that fall under the green, amber and red categories of behaviour, along with suggestions of how to respond to these behaviours. These have been provided as a guide, and it is important to remember that even if a behaviour falls under the green category, this doesn’t mean that the behaviour should be encouraged.

Each behaviour offers an opportunity to talk with children about keeping themselves and others safe, and to let them know that you are someone who will listen.

Remember that it is important to respond calmly.

Green category scenario in children under 5

A 3 year old boy and a 3 year old girl are found playing in the wendy house in the garden, and are showing each other their underwear.

Responding to this scenario

Explain that there are parts of the body that are private. Distract them by removing them from the situation and suggesting an alternative activity.

Amber category scenario in children under 5

A 4 year old boy and a 4 year old girl are found lying on the bedroom floor together, with the boy lying on top of the girl. They are clothed and the girl says they were playing ‘mummies and daddies’. This is the first time either have been found to be engaging in behaviour like this.

Responding to this scenario

Describe the unwanted behaviour clearly. Explain to the children that this behaviour is not OK. Distract them by removing them from the situation and suggesting an alternative activity.

Red category scenario in children under 5

A 4 year old boy regularly tries to coerce other children to touch his genitals whilst playing, demanding in an aggressive way that they touch his private parts. He is also frequently found rubbing his own genitals to the point at which it is painful for him.

Responding to this scenario

Describe his behaviour clearly to him. Point out that his behaviour is not acceptable and is impacting on others. Prohibit the behaviour. Consider seeking advice and support from a childcare professional, for example a GP, health visitor or social worker.

The experienced advisors on our confidential helpline can support you with any worries. You can stay anonymous and don’t have to give your real name, location or any contact details. If you’re not ready to speak to anyone yet, you can also use our live chat or send a secure email.

Read our guide to understand the sexual behaviour of teenagers.

The experienced advisors on our confidential Stop It Now helpline (0808 1000 900) can help talk things through. You can stay anonymous and don’t have to give your real name, location or any contact details. If you’re not ready to speak to anyone yet, you can also use our live chat or send a secure email

We want to hear from you

As you may have noticed, our website looks a little different now. We’ve restructured and redesigned the site to be more accessible to you, so we’d love to know what you think. All feedback will remain anonymous; we do not collect any personal identifying information.

We want to hear from you

As you may have noticed, our website looks a little different now. We’ve restructured and redesigned the site to be more accessible to you, so we’d love to know what you think. All feedback will remain anonymous; we do not collect any personal identifying information.