If a child tells you about abuse

Many children who are sexually abused don’t tell anyone about it and many keep their secret all their lives. People who sexually abuse children are more likely to be people we know, and could well be people we care about; more than 8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know the person who abused them. They are family members or friends, neighbours or babysitters – many hold responsible positions in society. The closer the relationship between the child and the person carrying out the abuse, the less likely the child is to talk about it.

Many parents and carers have feelings of shock, confusion, anger, or fear after they find out that their child may have been sexually abused. Here is a guide that will give you practical information about what will happen if there is an investigation into your child being sexually abused.

Children often show us rather than tell us that something is worrying or upsetting them so being aware of the warning signs is vital. However, children may give vague hints that something is happening. Their information may not be clear and they may not have the words to explain what is happening to them. The way adults respond to this is vital to ensuring the child’s safety.

Respond with care and urgency

If you think a child is trying to tell you about a sexually abusive situation, respond promptly and with care.

The police and children's social care have joint working arrangements for responding to suspected child sexual abuse. They are experienced in this work and will deal sensitively with the child and family.

Believe the child

If a child trusts you enough to tell you about abuse, you must remember that they rarely lie about such things.

Although it may be hard to believe that someone we trust or care about is capable of sexually abusing a child, it's highly unlikely that a child would deliberately make false accusations about adult-like sexual behaviours.

The pressures on the child to keep silent are enormous. It takes tremendous courage to talk about abuse. A child's claim that sexual abuse did not happen (when it actually did), or taking back a disclosure of abuse are common. Sometimes the child's account of what happened changes or evolves over time. This is a common pattern for disclosure and should not invalidate their story.

Be supportive

It is important that they feel supported

Don't dismiss their claims or put them off talking about it.

Stay calm

If they are talking to you about it, don't get angry or upset. Stay calm and steady.

If you get angry the child may think you are going to punish them - this will play into the hands of the person who sexually abused the child, who might have warned the child not to tell. If the child fears you will become upset or distressed they are less likely to disclose in order to protect you emotionally.

Be caring

Make sure the child knows you love them and that they have done nothing wrong - and keep telling them.

The child will need to see that adults believe them and they are doing all they can to protect them. Make sure the child knows they were right to talk about it and that you are glad they came to you.

For more help and support

The experienced advisors on our confidential Stop It Now helpline (0808 1000 900) can help talk things through. You can stay anonymous and don’t have to give your real name, location or any contact details. If you’re not ready to speak to anyone yet, you can also use our live chat or send a secure email.

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