It’s the conversation no parent expects to have.
It might happen in the car, in the kitchen, or before bed. Out of nowhere, your child tells you something that leaves you shocked and unsure what to do next. They may tell you they have harmed someone else sexually, viewed illegal sexual images online, or are worried about sexual thoughts towards younger children.
You may find yourself pushing it away and looking for another explanation. There must be a misunderstanding. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Perhaps someone else is responsible.
The thought “my child wouldn’t do something like that” can quickly be followed by another: “what do I do now?”
Stay calm in the moment, and reassure them that telling you was the right thing to do
What your child tells you may be difficult to hear and accept. It’s natural to want to see the situation through a different lens – as something less worrying, and easier to accept and understand.
This emotional response is normal. While you might not know what to say next, young people benefit from a caregiver who can listen with acceptance.
Don’t make them regret being vulnerable with you – recognise a brave decision that took courage and trust in you.
Don’t minimise the behaviour, but let them know clearly that you believe them, and that you are here to support and guide them through whatever happens next.
Tell them that their behaviour doesn’t define them as a person and that they can continue talking to you about what’s happened.
Don’t lose your temper. Listen to their concerns, questions and experiences – even those that may be complex, distressing, or difficult – and respond with care and compassion, free from judgment.
Get support for the next steps
All of this may be easier said than done. If you need support for your emotional wellbeing, practical advice, or help to manage behaviour, contact our anonymous and confidential Stop It Now helpline. Our advisors are experienced in helping families deal with concerns about harmful sexual behaviour.
Young people can get support through our Shore website and anonymous live chat service.
Shore advisors work every day with young people worried about their own or someone else’s sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Shore is a safe, confidential, non-judgemental space for young people to discuss their worries and agree actions to help them manage their behaviour and prevent harm.
Regular, honest conversations about sex, relationships, and the online world can help prevent harm
Age-appropriate, general conversations about respect, consent, boundaries, relationships, sex and online safety play a vital role in keeping young people safe.
They help children understand risks and make informed decisions about issues they may encounter – such as sharing images, pornography and other online interactions.
For teenagers especially, discussions about what they see online can open conversations about consent, healthy relationships, gender stereotypes, body image and respect.
When children grow up in an environment where it is normal to discuss relationships and sex, they may be more likely to seek support when they are curious, confused, or worried.
Conversations about healthy relationships can be part of everyday parenting and don’t need to feel overly serious or structured.
Everyday situations can spark conversations. A scene in a TV programme, a news story, a social media trend, or an event at school can all provide opportunities to talk about consent, respect and healthy boundaries.
Over time, these small conversations help build trust and show children that they can come to you when they need help.
Why this matters: what young people told us about telling their parents
Our latest Faithfull Paper analyses anonymous conversations with young people on Shore. More than 75% had never spoken to another professional about their concerns before contacting us.
Many told us they were afraid to speak to parents, carers or professionals because they feared how people might react. Shame about their thoughts and behaviour was a huge theme of their conversations with us. It compounds how difficult it can be to talk.
Some had already experienced negative responses after telling a parent or friend, making them less willing to tell anyone else.
“I haven’t spoken to my parents since.”
“My relationship with my mother got worse.”
When a young person tells our Shore advisors about experiences like these, we focus on helping them change how they feel about themselves and encouraging them to seek support from trusted adults where possible.
The anonymity of Shore can be hugely valuable for young people, and Shore will always be there for young people who need a safe space to share their thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and without judgement. Nonetheless, our advisors do encourage young people to work through their concerns with trusted adults who know and care for them, where possible.
Remember: you don't have to have all the answers
No parent is expected to know exactly what to do in this situation. But by staying calm, listening carefully, prioritising safety, and seeking support, you can help your child understand their behaviour and make positive changes.
It’s okay to tell your child that you need advice and support before making decisions about the next steps.
Our advice section includes resources for parents, carers and professionals, including information on how to keep children safe and concerns about a child or young person’s sexual behaviour.
The CEOP Education website also provides guidance on building trust, talking about healthy sexual experiences, and responding if you discover your child has done something sexually harmful, which gives advice for a scenario where you find out another way.
Shore’s anonymous live chat service is open Monday to Thursdays (excluding Bank Holidays), at 5pm – 8pm. Find it via the Shore website by clicking on the ‘Get Help’ icon on the bottom right during opening hours.
Visit Shore’s advice page and topic library for young people.
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